somewhere between silence & screaming

My heart is heavy lately.  I love “aha” moments, where God reveals a totally new point to me, but sometimes I have, “oh… yeah… that’s right” moments where God reminds me of something I know, but that I’m living like I’ve forgotten.

Sometimes it’s little things.  For example, on Sunday morning I was driving to the East campus in the rain, and as I approached downtown, it started raining pretty stinkin’ hard.  For those of you who know me well, you may know my vision is terrible, I struggle particularly with lights, and that driving in the rain in the daytime is crazy stressful for me.  (It’s not pleasant at night, but oddly, daytime rain when it’s hard is a bit worse.)  Anyways, so I start frantically praying, “God please calm this rain, please calm this rain and get me there safely” over and over again.  And I could just feel the Spirit hitting me with, “You silly child… I’ve already calmed storms.”  And it was just a reminder that I didn’t need to send up panicked prayers when 1) Mark 4:35-41 shows what happens in the battle of God versus the storm, 2) Not only scripturally has this happened, but He has calmed both literal storms and figurative storms in my life.  I pray every time I have to drive through the terrifying, jaggedy Florida lightning that comes out of nowhere with NO RAIN OR BOOMING THUNDER (this still baffles me.)  He calms me and protects me on a regular basis.  

Sometimes it’s bigger things.  I have figured out, as I’ve mentioned in this blog, not to find my value in relationships, other people, money, beauty, talent, or experiences.  In the knowledge of all of this, depression & anxiety are still things I have to hand over to Jesus on a regular basis.  I keep wondering “Why?!  If I know where my value lies, why does this keep happening?”  God’s been showing me. He’s been giving me an answer, and He’s been doing it for months.

[side note: I had a close friend say to me not long ago, “I just really think you’re going to tell that story someday,” and at the time, I just laughed uncomfortably. The more I’ve thought about that, the more I’ve realized, I don’t even really know what my story is. I just know it’s not finished yet. God changes my life on a very frequent basis. Just when I think I’ve got things down, He switches them up, reveals more of Himself to me, and it is gorgeous to experience. So gorgeous that I wish we had better adjectives for it. Everything seems trite when trying to describe seeing more of Him. Long side note…. Sorry.]

So anyway, I have an ugly, self-centered, faith-lacking fear of failure. And the area that it affects me most is my spiritual life. I get so afraid of failing God — of using what He’s blessed me with for things that don’t glorify Him, of living a life that isn’t worthy of the gospel of Christ. Sometimes I think, as he watches me struggle with this fear of failure, God alternates between laughing at my ridiculousness and being heartbroken at my fruitless (as in bearing no fruit) attempt to control what I bring to the table. I bring nothing to the table. You know what a life worthy of the gospel is? A life that belongs to Jesus. A life that doesn’t try to please God on her own, but rests in the perfect, pleasing sacrifice made by her glorious King. One who knows that if she’s seeking the will of her Fafther, He will always be faithful. One who knows that her Father gives good gifts to His children.

Again, these are things I know. I know them, teach them, want them. But what I need is to remember them and to live them and to repent of anything less. So thank you, God, for the , “oh…yeah… That’s right.” moments. And please, please keep them coming so that my heart can look more and more like Yours.