somewhere between silence & screaming

I haven’t been so great about posting lately.  Every time I find myself with something I’d love to write about, something comes up that keeps me away from the keyboard.  By the time I come back around to it, the moment has passed.

I don’t usually do blog memes, but in an effort to find some consistency again, I’m going to try to stick with the 30 Days of Truth one that is taking over online.  The questions are way down below.  Some are going to be difficult for me because I just don’t think the way I used to.  Anyways, this post will focus on Day 1.

Something you hate about yourself.

I find this one difficult already, and it’s only the first question.  There was a time I could have listed 50 things without pausing to think.  If I let myself dwell on negative things that don’t matter, such as physical qualities and limitations, then I could probably list another 50.  But ultimately, hating things about myself that I can’t change gets me nowhere.  All I can do is recognize what gifts and talents God has given me and use them to his Glory.  If it’s beyond my control, I have to accept it, not hate it.

That said:  I hate my selfishness/pride.  I think the two really go hand-in-hand.  No matter how good I’m feeling about the way I’m treating people, something happens that makes me realize just how far from perfection I really am.  As much as I want other people to consistently be a priority, they come last far more than I like to admit.  There are a few people I take joy in loving unselfishly, but there are others that I find myself frustrated with.  I have moments, days, weeks where I just don’t feel like being unselfish and loving and humble.  I can rationalize with the best of them.  I can make a million excuses for why I can’t or shouldn’t have to.  In the end, my feelings are incredibly misleading and they simply don’t matter.  It doesn’t matter whether I feel like doing something I was created for.  I’m still expected to do it.  That concept rings true in every other aspect of life.  It doesn’t matter if you feel like working or doing housework or whatever.  You still have to do it.  Yet it’s so easy to make excuses and to let myself believe that I deserve a few moments of selfishness.  I snap at Josh or Buddy (I know he’s a dog, but does the snapping not reflect the state of my heart?) and excuse it because it’s been a busy day or I didn’t get enough sleep or I’m stressed or whatever, and I let myself excuse it.  Even when I apologize, it’s limited because often, part of me still feels like, “Well, it wasn’t really personal.  It wasn’t malicious.”  It doesn’t really matter.  I’m called to unselfish, humble, holy, God-glorifying love, no matter what the circumstances.  Even in conflict and righteous anger, my words and actions should convey love first and a desire for righteousness, not self-righteousness, and oh what a difference there is between the two. 

With pride, I bounce back and forth between insecurities that stem from pride - caring far too much what others think and believing myself high enough that they’ll notice and care about my imperfections.  Like whether or not I’m broken out on my face that day makes an ounce of difference in the Kingdom of God.  Anyways, back and forth between insecurities and self-righteousness, which I want desperately to flee from.  I want no part of judgment, but without sacrificing accountability, which I think is incredibly important.  Sometimes it’s a fine line to walk, and the balancing act makes me very nervous.  I just want to love God, glorify Him, and have His love and blessing overflow out of me and onto others.  That’s what I want.  Yet my humanity, selfishness, and pride always seem to push back at me and remind me of how much farther I have to go. 

Despite it all, my struggles and acknowledgment of them show what I desire, and I think my eyes are set in the right direction.  Even with talk of gold streets and crowns and storing up treasures in heaven, the real reward is eternity with the Trinity - Father, Savior, Spirit - and the neverending relationship with God that has already started and its completion.  To be in God’s presence for always is greater than anything imaginable to me.  It’s so hard to make that understandable to those who don’t understand God’s greatness and glory and love.  How do you explain the Holy Spirit to someone who’s never felt it move?  You can use words, sure, but that experience is indescribable.  Words can’t do it justice.  It sounds almost kooky to those who don’t know.  If you look at our faith and stories from the outside, it can seem bizarre and mythological.  But if you take that step of faith, God delivers, and soon it’s impossible to dismiss the truth you’re experiencing as a fairy tale or a children’s story.  I wish the entire world could understand, but if it were forced, it wouldn’t be love or relationship. 

I really got off topic hah.  Here are the other questions:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself