somewhere between silence & screaming

Some of the other stories I love (that I’m not going to write) are the ones Josh & I have told enough times that it’s become kind of second nature when we tell them together.  We know our parts, our timing, the point.  If know us, you’ve probably heard them. If you’ve spent much time around us, you may even be in one or two:

• you don’t steal josh’s bacon.
• my birthday is on august 8. (josh’s only role in this story is to deny it ever happened, but it did, my friends.  it did.)
• the mis-mailed zune (not my shining moment.)
• did you really just let me run after the bus?
• the need to incite anger before proposing
• locked out en Francais
• the sorest loser
• etc.

Some of our stories have only been told in hushed tones with squeals and giggles as I confided in a close friend.  Some have never been told, out of loyalty and love.  Some are only beautiful in hindsight — now that we know where their tragedies lead.

I hope every girl (person actually) out there reading this know:  There are stories better than fairytales, better than chick flicks, better than the latest Nicholas Sparks novel.  They’re better because they are being handwritten, every detail, just for you by the one who made you. 

Don’t let anyone steal your stories.  Don’t attempt to write your stories before their time.  Trust God.  There are so many times when Josh and I seemed dead in the water.  No hope.  We hurt each other in ridiculous, stupid, silly ways, and we tried to hold on to that hurt as an excuse to not be the people we were called to be.  The only explanation for our relationship and marriage is a gracious, merciful, loving God who took ugly things in our lives and wrote it into a beautiful story that points back to its author.  He is good. 

Sometimes there is no more room in left in my head for anything but that thought.  He is good.  Dwell on that a little.  Open your heart and mind to the fullness of that.  What it really means.  Even if it’s just for a minute, even if it’s new, let yourself look at the world through that lens — the lens that your life was created and is orchestrated by our God who is good.  That he is using every bit of ugliness in your life for good, even when it feels impossible.

You do not have to be defined by your brokenness.  You don’t have to fight tooth and nail for fleeting peace with your own strength.  There is victory in Jesus.  There is peace that surpasses all understanding.  Because He is good.

Sometimes I just want to shout it from the rooftops.  Sometimes, in the midst of someone’s pain, the first thing that pops into my mind is, “Oh, you don’t know He’s good yet!”  I know that sounds a little strange, but I firmly believe there is nothing that you struggle with or that ails you that is beyond the control of King Jesus, my Lord and Savior, who has defeated death and is sitting victoriously glorified at the right hand of God.  That’s part of what makes the “He’s good” part so great.  He’s also God.  He creates, restores and loves.  He has the power and authority to do that.  He desires that.  He didn’t just save us and shove us away to live unnoticed and uncared for and unaffected by our salvation.  He actually wants to know us.  

This is getting rambly.  I can hear Josh coughing in the other room, and it’s 2am, and I know this post means I am going to be exhausted tomorrow even though it’s a very busy day. 

But if there’s one person, any person, reading this who wonders:  Am I loved?  Am I chosen?  Am I called to something?  Is there more to life than this?  Can this pain ever be used for good?  Will I ever get past this?  Is any of this real?  How can you know?

You are loved, called, chosen.  There is more to life than comfort, selfishness, struggling, suffering, apathy, stuff, and an insatiable, endless pursuit for long-term satisfaction that won’t leave you wondering what happens if everything falls.  Your pain has a purpose.  You can find freedom.  He is entirely real.

I know because He is with me.  I know because of the good work He is doing and has done in my life.  I know because His grave is empty.  I know because my anxious thoughts are defeated with His word.  I know because I have never come to regret anything I’ve done in His name.  I know because I cannot make my own heart beat.  I know because humans are relational.  I know because His Word is timeless and relevant.  I know because humility is the only logical approach in my mind.  I know because of the real faith - faith that produces action -  I’ve witnessed from so many.  I know because He is renewing my mind and teaching me to take captive my every thought.  I know because of the positive correlation between spending time with Him and the increased joy and contentment in my life.  I know because when I pray for things that are in line with His word, He provides.  I know because He shows up and shows off.  I know because of the change I’ve seen in the lives of many I love.  I know because His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  I know because He has made sense of my struggles.  I know because I feel the weight of His love spurring me on, motivating me, guiding me, comforting me, leading me, pouring out of me and giving me the power and capacity to do things I couldn’t and wouldn’t have dreamed up for myself. 

mmm, mmm, mmm.  He is good.