somewhere between silence & screaming

I feel better!  Yay!  Not 100%, but at least 80, which in comparison to the - 4 I felt yesterday, I’ll take it.  So on to the 30 days of truth topic for today.

Something you have to forgive someone for.

So I only really skimmed these questions before deciding to do this, but as I’m going through them, I’m realizing I’m not sure how to answer a lot of them.  If you had asked me a year ago, I would have, but so much has changed in the last year. 

I’m glad this says “something” and not “someone” because then I’d probably refuse to answer it.  It’s still a difficult question, mostly because I can’t think of anything at the current moment.  So I’m doing the equivalent of writing procrastination.  Buying myself a little time, while still typing words, so that I feel a little more productive.

And now I’m just staring at a blinking cursor.  Awesome.  Alright.  I’ve got nothing, so I’m going to rephrase the question for my purposes.  There are things I’ve forgiven people for, the people themselves, but I haven’t been able to forget the way they made/make me feel.  This mostly comes back to words.  There are things that still sting to think about even though they were said 3, 4, 5 years ago.  I need to learn to let go of the negativity I feel towards myself even after forgiving.  I think I just have it in my head that even though apologies may have happened, that they were likely only apologies that I had either found out what was said or the way they said it, not the content.  Therefore, the underlying message has stuck with me.  So forgiveness?  done.  Forgetting and letting myself move forward?  needs work.  And hopefully this has come across that I’m not talking about one person or incident, but a series of people and incidents that I’ve allowed to accumulate and weigh me down.  The wrong is no longer on those people, but on myself for harboring it.

Hm.  This was the first one that was slightly uncomfortable to write about.  I think that’s the point in some ways though.