somewhere between silence & screaming

One year ago today, at this very time, I was crying.

Josh was asleep, and I had let him think I was too.  I had spent the entire day crammed in the Civic with Buddy, necessities, and the knowledge that Tennessee would no longer be my home.

My bedroom was empty, and although I had once thought the King mattress would be the greatest thing that had ever happened to my sleep needs, I found myself hugging my giant pillow, cold, and feeling very, very alone.

None of that was Josh’s fault.  He left his entire world behind and lived by himself for 4 months because he loves me.   There are a million other reasons, of course, but they all stem back to that fact.   Instead of letting that knowledge comfort me one year ago, I let it make me feel guilty for the tears streaming down my face and the doubts piling up in my mind.

I’ve deleted this paragraph 4 times, but there’s no nice way to say it:  I was depressed.  For about a month, I moped around the house.  I snapped and yelled and burst into tears at silly things.  I told no one, but made my husband deal with it as best he could on his own.

I was wrong, on so many levels, but sometimes I didn’t realize it and other times I just didn’t care.  My life was in middle Tennessee.  This empty shell of a person with no plan or purpose was in Florida.  In my mind, that was an injustice and the only possible reaction was a chaotic, random, “uncontrollable” flood of emotions that must be kept inside the walls of my home so as to not wreck an image I was trying desperately to create and uphold of “mature for her age,” “strong,” “focused,” “independent,” “successful,” or whatever word I thought I needed to be that day.

As anyone reading this probably knows, I have been the “first” or “only” among my group of friends for many things over the last couple of years.  This may sound like bragging, but I hope you realize that’s not where I’m going here.  I could list a million reasons why my life has been “fast tracked,” but that’s not what I’m trying to get across here.  I have felt anxious and lonely a lot over the past few years because for some reason, I have continuously tried to handle everything on my own without any outside help/advice/insight/encouragement from others.  In fact, instead of letting encouragement or praise be comforting to me, I have used it as a reason to raise the bar and to put more pressure on myself, my marriage, my work - whether college or career or volunteer, etc.  I have no idea why I’ve been doing this except to say that I keep living life like I’m only one step away from acceptance.  I really don’t know if this is making any sense.  I’ve touted around the phrase, “God never intended for us to handle life alone,” but I haven’t been living it.  Or I hadn’t at least.  Sometimes still don’t.  It’s all a process, I think.  I’m a work in progress.  I’m being carried on to completion, but I’m not there yet.  Not even close.

Ramble number 1 complete.  I said all that to say that this time last year, everything I had been working for felt wrecked, but I wouldn’t let anyone see it or help me through it, except my husband which was incredibly unfair to him.  Are we on the same page again?  Hopefully so.

I’ve mentioned before about how much the last year has changed me.  I won’t go through the whole thing all over again.  I just want to make sure it’s known. 

I really admire Paul in the Bible.  Who doesn’t?  One of the things I LOVE that he does over and over and over and over and over again is… he just tells his story.  That’s what I’m trying to do here.  The past year isn’t my whole story by a long shot, but it’s an important one to me.

I went from wanting to be known as “mature for her age,” “strong,” “focused,” “independent,” “successful,” etc to wanting to be known for spiritual maturity and endurance, faithfulness, reliant on the Creator, living for something greater than myself, leading through humility and gentleness, seeking divine wisdom, loving with time and resources and action rather than only words.  I’ve been saying, “the only things you truly believe are the ones you live out” since middle school.  I can’t remember where I heard it - only that it stuck with me.  This year I saw how much my life didn’t accurately reflect what I believe, and I sought to change it.

And I failed miserably time after time.  But not all the time.  And not at the same things.  I am changing and will continue to change until I take my last breath.

This year has been full of truth for me.  And once you know truth, you can’t un-know it.  And you want others to know it.  And you want to live your life in a way that honors it. 

You can’t be afraid of difficulty.  For me, moving was difficult.  But now, only a year later, I can say that while I still have moments where Tennessee is sparkly and snowy and I want to tap together my new black boots while shouting “there’s no place like home” until I wake up in Nashville, the difficulty of moving sparked a change within me that wouldn’t have happened in Tennessee.  I was far too comfortable and complacent there.  My eyes were focused on all of the wrong things. 

God moved me to Florida when I didn’t want to go for things I didn’t want to see.  And I’m better for it.  And He knew that all along.  And I think He’s pleased with the path I’m on now.  And I think nothing else but that matters.

So much more I could say, but this seems like a good stopping point.

And no, this did not go the direction I thought it would when I started writing :P

(And just for fun, one year ago can be found here)