somewhere between silence & screaming

 things aren’t always hunky dory.

I’ve changed drastically in the past year.  Mostly for the better.  I’m still desperately, tragically, and near hopelessly flawed, but my struggles are different.  My outlook is different.  My priorities are different.

And there’s a whole lot of Jesus.  And that makes some people uncomfortable.  I get that.  But what I’ve found even more surprising is how many people it doesn’t make uncomfortable. 

The more time I spend with Him, the more He comes up in conversation - just like anything else.  I can’t go a day without talking about him.  I can’t go an hour (aside from sleeping) without talking to him.

Sometimes I find myself wondering, “How did this even happen?  When did I become this person?”

I still don’t know.  I just know I’m grateful, and I have no desire to go back to life before all of this.

I was the girl who let being hurt by the church keep me from going.  I was the girl who cried and begged her fiance not to make her go.  I was the girl who would put the Bible in the nightstand because I didn’t want to think about conviction.  I was the girl who surrounded myself with people who would let me rationalize where I wanted to - who were content with being comfortable and who were searching for things their itching ears wanted to hear.  And the more I surrounded myself with them, the more I became them.  Pretty soon, I was the one helping people rationalize. 

Anyone who knows the good they should do and does not do it sins.

I was wrong.  I was broken.  I blamed anything and everything on my brokenness.  I felt lost under the weight of my depression and anxiety.  I woke up every morning trying to claw through a darkness I didn’t understand and couldn’t overcome.  I spent most of my energy trying to hide my struggles in public and the rest of my energy being devastatingly overwhelmed by them when I was alone.

If you knew me then - ages 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 - then I hope so desperately that you understand how different I am now.  I can’t explain it.  I can only hope my life reflects it.  

I think a lot of us have our super-struggle.  Those one or two things we just can’t shake.  Just when we start to think we’ve got things under control, they creep up on us and devour us. 

Mine is depression.  I’m not foolish enough to get complacent and to think it’s gone.  If I let my guard down, if I step away from my Savior, even for a moment, I’ll give it an opening, and it will flood back into my life.  I know this, because it has happened before.

But there’s progress.  I’m not there yet.  I’m still being worked on.

And I’ll keep making progress. 

I honestly never intend for my blog posts to end up this way.  I start writing thinking I’ll tell a little bit about our life… the new things we’ve tried cooking (a new kind of oven friend chicken & a lower cal molten chocolate cake - both delicious), things we’re excited about (family visiting soon, josh’s birthday, etc.), my latest hobby or crafting project or house addition (new rug and mirror in the living room- whoo!… along with our FOURTH set of speakers.  silly husband.).  Yet, I always get a little distracted.

And now I need to sleep hah (and the bolded stuff is relevant links - just fyi :P)