somewhere between silence & screaming

I can’t stop talking about Jesus.

Seriously.  I stopped blogging for a while because my blog has gotten so faith-focused, and I thought, ‘Am I alienating people?  Am I coming across as judgmental or condescending?  Am I boring?  Are people reading and thinking, ‘oh man, not again.’”

I was on 20sb not long ago and saw a thread regarding what automatically turns people off to a blog.  Many, many responses referred to any sort of religious content.

Fortunately, as evidenced by the 8 years I’ve been blogging both with and without readers, I don’t really write for an audience of strangers.  I started this blog for 3 reasons:

1) I love to write.  I find it therapeutic.  I can’t imagine not writing.  I’ve had paper journals, random Word documents, scribbles on post-its and tiny notepads.  I tend to prefer blogging.  But even if blogs didn’t exist, I would still write.

2) One of the many, many things I love about writing is the ability to go back and understand exactly what I was thinking/feeling/going through at a given moment time and to see how far I’ve come since then or how situations have played out.  For example, 7 years ago I wrote this about an ex-boyfriend: “i’m supposed to not care anymore, but unfortunately it just isn’t that easy. he meant so much to me for so long and its really hard to just wake up and say one of the people who meant the most to me for a year and half can’t matter anymore. i just can’t function that way.”  And now he’s my husband.  Reading things from back then still make me laugh and cry.  I can reread our entire story.  It’s awesome.

3) To keep anyone who was interested up-to-date on our life in Florida.

All those are still happening, it’s just:

1) I write about what I think about.  And the more active role my faith takes in my life, the more I think about it.  Therefore, I write about it.

2)  Looking back at old blogs humbles me beyond words.  I owe EVERYTHING to God.  He rescued me from so much.  When I look back at who I was and then look at who I am now, all I can see is a God who took my brokenness and turned it into something beautiful.

3)  Florida has challenged my faith in ways I never dreamed.  I have never felt more alive or satisfied.  Is it easy?  Not even remotely.  Sometimes it’s frustrating or downright exhausting.  But I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.  I’m at complete peace with where God has us.  I can (and do) tell about new furniture and places we go and things we do here, but none of that matters when compared to the glorious, indescribable, amazing things God has done in my life, my husband’s life, and consequently our marriage since we’ve been here. 

Last Sunday, Josh and I had the complete joyful privilege of baptizing teenagers that we work with at church.  I was driving home afterward and all I could think about was the guy that told me, “If you want a great Christian guy, that will never be me’ and the girl who said, “All my self-worth comes from me and me alone” and the couple who got in trouble on church trip after church trip after church trip.   Praise God that those two people have been ridiculously changed.  Josh is an amazing Godly husband, and my joy and contentment comes from my amazing Creator and Savior.  I mean, what?  One of the risks of getting married so young that we heard over and over is how much we would change from 20 to 25 to 30 and beyond.   We were told time and time again that we would be different people at 28 and 30 than we were at 19 and 21.   At the time, all I thought was, “Well, I certainly hope so.”  After all, we had already changed so much from the 14 and 15 year olds that we were when we met.  But this… looking at us now… I’m overwhelmed, humbled, grateful, and amazed pretty much all of the time. 

I can’t not talk about it.  And it doesn’t make me boring.   Jesus is anything but boring.  And I know that i have friends and family who don’t get this and who I might be alienating.  But I promise you, this isn’t intellectual weakness or a crutch or something I believe because someone told me to or a phase or whatever else you might think or hope.  This is revolution in my life!  This is joy and contentment and so, so, so much love.  And it doesn’t make me condescending.  Believe me, I’m as shocked as anyone else that God has chosen to use me despite very ugly and very public past rebellion.  There is NO judgment here.  That’s why I love Paul’s story in 1st Timothy when he says: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life.”   He killed Christians for crying out loud!  And then God used him to write a ridiculous portion of the New Testament.  What?!?!  Am I the only one completely floored by God’s goodness and glory?

I was a girl who HATED church (I could say it nicer, but that’s honesty), and now I spend 4 - 5 nights a week trying to build up the Church (the people, not the building.)

I was a girl who hated herself, and now I am literally moved to tears from the joy of knowing that God is doing a good work in me.

I was a girl who worried about everything, who was completely enslaved by anxiety, and now I actually understand the freedom of trusting God completely with my life.

I was a girl that was always trying to “fix” people and seem perfect, and now I’m a girl whose former brokenness is being used to help others find peace.

WHAT?!?!  Do you see my complete and utter amazement?  Do you understand why I can’t shut up about it? 

I am no where near perfect, and I still mess up all the time, and I really truly despise when I do.  But the progress in me is undeniable, and it’s 100% all because of God. 

So if that’s not okay with you, a blog filled with constant bewilderment and gratitude for what God’s doing in my life, then I’m probably not a blog you want to read anymore.  Because I’m telling you:  I can’t stop talking about Him.