somewhere between silence & screaming

It’s late, so this is probably not a great time to be blogging… but it’s been a while, and I feel kind of all over the place lately, so I need to get some of it out for some peace & sanity (and hopefully better sleep).

The last 2 months have been mind boggling.  I’ve blogged many times about how much my life has turned upside down over the past few years because of Jesus, but there are moments lately when it just feels unrecognizable.  I mean that in a good way.

I can see so many random, weird, unexplainable things finally making sense.  I can draw clear paths between different events in my life and say, “Oh, that’s why!”  It’s encouraging, but it’s terrifying at the same time because I never, and I do mean never, saw it coming.  Ever. 

That’s not a bad thing though.  God does random things that people never dream of all the time.  Burning bush?  Kid at 90-something?  Virgin birth?  Raised from the dead?  Feed 5,000 with the equivalent of a Happy Meal?  I think maybe God likes to catch us off guard.  My “say what?” moments aren’t quite that extreme, but they’re still moments that teach me just how incredible my God is. 

church hater to church communicator. 

dysfunctional and often sinful on-and-off again relationship to joyfully married.

teenage nightmare to high school leader.

lost and lonely to found and comforted.

the girl who thinks she needs to be the center of attention to the girl who knows she needs to stay in the background to stay humble.

Christ-supporter to Christ-follower.  And yes, there’s a huge difference between the two.  Jesus wasn’t just the “good” guy.  He was and still is the God guy. 

These are my stories.

Life is really challenging in a very different way right now.  But I know that it’s for something… I’m being refined for something.  I have no idea what yet, but I know that I can see so much of my life clearly now.  Someday I’ll see this clearly too. 

I’m understanding John the Baptist better and better lately when he said, “He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.”

I think God’s been using some stuff lately to tell me, “Quit relying on your own strength & knowledge.  I didn’t decide to use you because of any skills or abilities you bring to the table.  I decided to use you because I wanted to and because it gives us a chance to spend more time together. I want to use you because I want you to trust & rely on me completely. It’s my way of blessing you.  If you keep trying to do it on your own, I’m going to step back and let you fail.  Remember when I told Moses to speak to the rock, but he hit it twice instead?  That didn’t work out well.  Quit hitting the rock, Whitney.”

Got it, God.  Loud and clear.  You must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.  That’s the next part in my story.